mztvious .;*

So I am troubled as of the moment. & it’s all because of my own doing and my curiosity got the best of me, yet again. I don’t know why but I have this inner self issue of not  t r u s t i n g anyone, especially my boyfriends. I don’t know what it is, but every time I have the opportunity to spy, snoop - I will. & usually what I find is irrelevant to the present and how our relationship is, but than it suddenly brings up this past insecurities and the green overtakes my body. Everything that I dig up, or see, read, find it makes my blood boil, and my heart ache a bit. My stomach is in knots, and my head is spinning. The ” what if’s” and ” maybe’s” are swirling in my mind, and I am no longer a normal good girlfriend, I have turned into a bitch, nagging, non-trusting one. Which I always strive not to be. Sometimes when the opportunity presents itself in front of me, it’s hard not to snoop around. Because if history can speak for itself, I have been lied too one to many times, and therefore I feel I am entitled to always know the truth. I cannot just naively just  t r u s t someone without having them have earned it..

My point is now, I have found some information out about the one person in my life who I thought was always honest with me, and yet I find I am wrong. It was an incident that happened a few years ago, and it might have gone away, and fixed itself - but that fact that this person wasn’t honest about it with me from the get go. I wouldn’t have judged, I wouldn’t have left - but it just would’ve been nice to know from the beginning rather than to find out the way I did. & now my head is spinning, because we are both to blame. Trust will be destroyed after this is out in the open. I betrayed his trust, for snooping when I shouldn’t have, and he betrayed mine because he didn’t tell me about it from the beginning. I don’t know what to do..

I don’t want to be fake,but I’m angry and hurt by him. I don’t know if this will affect me in the long run or if things will just blow over. I need a distraction, but yet I can’t find one .. My own over analysis of this situations is going to make me crazy.

lately I have this over whelming feeling of anger just raging inside of me. I know that the only way to start becoming a better person, or to start having good things come into your life, is if I get off my lazy ass and start doing something about. As of right now I am NOT making an excuse, I am simply just so sick and tired of hearing people feel and think so low of me. I get it, that what I portrayed when I was younger and foolish was of a drunken and emotionally angry person. I’ve shed the awkward teenage years, and tried to become a better person, but yet whatever stupid drunken thing I did years past is all people see me for. I may be tough, I may be loud and obnoxious and opinionated - but I have feelings. It hurts me when all my co-workers, peers and even my closest friends/family & boyfriend see me as nothing but some “drunk”. almost to the point that I am some degenerate, with no goals, no drive, no motivation, no anything.

I can’t really put the blame one everyone here, because if I should be pointing fingers at anyone, it’s me first. I just want to change, I want people’s perspective to change of me. I want to be proud of who I am, as well as have people be proud of me. I am who am because of the decisions I have made as a naive young woman and as well as the person I am to date. I just want to find my place in this world, in my life. I feel like sometimes I just don’t have a purpose, and I want to find that in myself. I want to truly and entirely love myself the most.. and knowing that I can’t look at myself in the mirror and feel what I long for the most, it hurts.

The other day I went for appies and drinks with Rie and Thien, and the entire time that we sat there Thien would belittle me, or make snide remarks about me without ever really thinking that she was doing it. I hate that she does that. I hate that I am indebted to her, for all the things that she has done for me in the past years. She has helped me out, and sometimes I can genuinely feel her simply just wanting the very best for me - but other times, I can feel she just wants things for herself. Than after I just felt like she couldn’t dig that knife deeper into my chest, she does so with again another snide remark. If you can say those things to me so loosely when it’s just us girls, what stops you from saying things like that when we aren’t together. I’m pulling apart from our friendship not because I am in a relationship, or live further away from you. It’s because I don’t feel appreciated. Why should I continue to allow myself to be the butt of your jokes, for you to think so low of me. it sure doesn’t help my self esteem or my insecurities, just add to them actually.

I’m so angry sometimes, I just want to cry. ever have that feelings? It’s been too much lately. all I can feel is angry, frustration, disappointment. never really feel happy.. do I need therapy? do I need a vacation. hell fucking yes I do! I need to get out of Calgary, get out of the country. Alone. all alone. I just need to get these voices out, these pent up emotions that inside rage and rage on. the waves of every single emotion I feel just keep getting bigger, and now is a full blown tide of everything i bury deep inside. hurts not just me, but my soul. my very being.help me..